Look at me, becoming all the things I said I’d never be

[lemonadetrees]

The long hello

I don’t think he quite got what I was trying to say to him.

I wonder if anyone ever will.

He didn’t get what I was saying to him when I was failing to explain it. But in that last conversation we had, even if he didn’t get it, we were on the same page.

I would be ok finishing there and never having another conversation even though that thought hurts.

That thought hurts but I also don’t really feel like talking to him. It’s not a desire that’s sitting there constantly like it used to.

I don’t really feel like talking to him, but I still look at his little figure on the map in York and hope that he’s ok.

I look at him on the map, but I’m not looking forward to seeing him at work next week.

Are emotions for other people this complicated? Why do they want them?

I just want him to be happy. I want him to move to Holland and be happy. I want him to go to uni and be happy. I want to run into him at uni and it be ok. I want to go see a movie or hang out on the couch and it not be weird. That won’t happen but it’s ok.

This hurts but it’s also ok.