lemonadetrees

Again.

I’m going to see how much I can get written in the time I have.

I’m not sure which direction I should take. This is something I really wanted in April. But now May is ending.

He called it his failure to launch. I like that this acknowledges that the blame is on him. That we were both waiting for him to make a move. He said he was worried he’d fucked it up. I’m not sure whether he didn’t. But it might be a good thing.

He is not perfect. And he is young. And lately I’ve been vaguely embarrassed by these things. Is this on me?

Is my declining want to do with having been told no I can’t have this by his every move and failed response for so many weeks. I know I have a tendency to stop wanting the things I can’t have.

But what do I want? Or what did I want? Monogamy- no. A relationship- no. So what? An acknowledgment that this is real and not casual, and hey, I really care about you quite a lot. For the feeling to be mutual.

And then maybe I’ll want to move on