It’s dark by the time I leave

[lemonadetrees]

I had the realisation that I am not special.

This is a confronting thing to realise. And quite possibly not true or irrelevant. I know I’m special to my dad and to my brother and quite possibly to my mother. But I had the realisation that I am not special to him, that the things he had told me in drunken confidence he has also told to everyone else.

I believe him when he said I deserve better. I believe him when he said I’m amazing. I believe these were said in truth and were and likely still would be meant wholeheartedly. I didn’t realise that I had internalised these things as meaning I am special. I am not special. He is just a decent human being.

He is such a decent human being and he takes his own decentness for granted in that it doesn’t occur to him that it’s in any way significant. I’ve told him before that he’s a gentleman and he’s given me this look every time like he doesn’t get what he’s done for my head to even go there. I think it just doesn’t occur to him that he’s acting in any way different from the way the rest of the world acts and thinks it’s weird that I would expect anything different from another human being.